An interesting international perspective on BDSM practice in this article from the Bangalore Mirror.
Rahul, 36, (not his real name) works in the hospitality sector and strikes you as the quintessential family man of Bengaluru. But he has another life that only a few know about. It involves elaborate role plays, bondage, domination and other forms of kinky, erotic games — all of this oblivious to his wife.
Rahul is, in fact, a popular man in the kink community across the country and goes by the username Mr_Rahul. He is also the founding member of the Official Kinky Bangalore, a community of people who are into bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism – commonly called BDSM.
“Bengaluru has a vibrant BDSM community and there are a large number of people who regularly contact us over the internet,” Rahul tells Mirror.
Kink is often defined as a playful expression of sexuality and BDSM is an extension of “kinkiness” as it also involves erotic power play. A kinkster is the official term for a man or a woman open to ‘play’ or indulge in satisfying their fetishes, mainly through BDSM.
“Our community in the city is very diverse and we have doctors, techies, businessmen, students and even teachers who attend our sessions. A major problem we face is that most people still believe that BDSM is unnatural and a deviant behaviour. Of course it has to be practised with consent and safety precautions,” says Rahul.
It is estimated that there are over 500 people in the city who have been attending monthly meetings of the community, which began unofficially in 2007 as a gathering of three at a pub on Bannerghatta Road. Known as “munches” within the community, it is a meeting usually organised at a pub or a restaurant as announced on their online forum where members meet and discuss their kink, and regular, lives. The latest one was held near Jayanagar on December 26 had about 25 people in attendance.
Apart from “munches”, annual workshops on BDSM to understand its limits and limitations along with safe practices are also conducted in the city. These are daylong events where some of the common BDSM techniques are demonstrated to the participants.
The recent one
On January 26, a group of 30, 26 of them men, converged at a resort, off Mysore Road, where the conference hall was booked for a seminar from 9 am to 5 pm. For strangers, and the resort employees, it was yet another corporate daylong ‘bonding meet’ with name tag (pseudonyms)-sporting delegates, Power Point presentations, and a few interactive sessions and games. Of course, it was all about role play, bonding and even bondage as it was the third annual workshop on BDSM organised by the Official Kinky Bangalore.
“There were people from 20s up to their 40s. There was a presentation on BDSM and then some demo during the post-lunch session, mainly on how to role-play safely, such as precautions to be taken during asphyxiation and whipping. The registration fee was Rs 750, inclusive of breakfast, lunch and snacks,” said a 30-year-old participant.
The participants at the workshops are also shown various bondage techniques and how to tie knots safely. There were demonstrations and practice sessions.
The first-ever workshop in Bengaluru was conducted in 2014 and had around 12 people in attendance. Usually, “munches” are held on the last Saturday of the month or on a public holiday that falls on the last week of the month.
SM influence
It was sometime in 2007 that kinksters in the city slowly started coming out of online chat rooms and meeting each other. Initially, there were a few members but by 2010 various groups emerged in cities such as the Kinky Collective in New Delhi, Kolkata and the Naughty India group in Mumbai. The social media boom across the country post-2010 proved to be a blessing for these groups as they no longer had to confine themselves to anonymous cyber chat rooms.
“The Kinky Collective has an active presence on Twitter and Facebook and there are thousands of people following us. It is true that all of them might not be genuine kinksters. But the idea to have such groups is to minimise the risk of exploitation. Because once a person is known to have violated the code of consent and agreement then the word is posted on all kink forums and he/ she gets blacklisted,” says Joy, a 46-year-old lawyer and a founding member of the Kinky Collective.
Kinky Bangalore was formed in 2013 with three members — Rahul, Melik (kink identity) and Monty (kink identity). Melik is a 23-year-old student from the city, pursuing a course in Big Data analytics. Monty is a businessman. All of them had initially met on online chat rooms, they claimed. “But then our online forum got hacked and there was a lull before we decided to rename the group as Official Kinky Bangalore, about a year ago. We also included Bella (kink identity) as another founding member,” says Rahul.
A majority of the activities are organised through a web portal that lists down various fetishes for people to follow and indulge in after creating their own profiles.
Fetlife also offers them a platform to get in touch with suppliers and distributors of BDSM props such as safe ropes, flogger, whips, handcuffs, etc, which are imported and sold to those interested in these activities. As of now, the most popular BDSM gear in the city is a common kit consisting of handcuffs, cotton ropes and floggers that cost around Rs 2,000. These are directly imported from China and Malaysia with the help of local kinksters on Fetlife.
“There are very few stores in cities like Delhi, Kolkata and Mumbai where these materials are available. There are also some online portals where we can place order for this gear,” informs Joy.
Kink and consent
Despite the common perception that looks at BDSM as sexual deviancy and perversion, indulging in BDSM is not criminal as long as it is between consenting adults and done without inflicting any injury or harassment, points out Joy.
“There is a constant fear of being judged and considered abnormal when we have such fetishes. Sometimes we even end up judging ourselves,” says Joy to underscore the need for such groups of likeminded individuals.
“Consent is one of the most important aspects in BDSM. It should be seen on the lines of combat sports like karate or boxing where two consenting adults are indulging in an act where they could get injured but with implied consent as mentioned under Section 87 of the Indian Penal Code,” he says.
Safety protocols
Kinksters that Mirror spoke with were bothered by “misinterpretation and wrongful portrayal of BDSM” in movies and media. These could cause serious injury among partners, they say. Of course, we couldn’t resist asking them about the most talked-about BDSM novel, and it’s film adaptation, ‘50 Shades of Grey’. The kinksters didn’t approve of it, and found it “exploitative” and the BDSM relationship portrayed in it, “abusive”.
According to Joy, though BDSM covers an array of activities, the main focus is to ensure Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC). Several tips are also given to participants to ensure that they meet and talk with each other before agreeing to play. Also, it is advised to formally mail each other their preferences and limits beforehand. And there is also the ‘safe word’ (or gesture) – like an ‘Off’ button.
“There are also instances when people hook up online and without taking proper safety measures decide to play with each other and could often end up exploited. There are instances when women who end up exploited in such manner are not even able to seek proper legal help because of the stigma,” Joy adds.
About bondage
According to Jaya Sharma, a New Delhi-based women’s rights activist who is also a founding member of the Kinky Collective, such discussions in society is integral to busting the myths about BDSM.
“We live in a society where the idea of consent, especially that of a woman, is violated often – even within the marriage. Even then, BDSM is projected as an act where consent does not exist – which is very wrong. Consent is one of the main foundation stones of all BDSM relationships,” she added.
The Kinky Collective has already conducted a photo exhibition on BDSM, mainly bondage and domination, in New Delhi. It was called ‘Bound to be Free’, which was an attempt to educate people and bust myths. There are numerous open and closed discussions and seminars also being conducted on the topic on a regular basis. There are also plans to open a kink group in Chennai in the coming weeks and also unite all separate groups under one national outfit.
The secret fetish
There’s something called a ‘three circle approach’ when it comes to talking about a fetish, say psychologists and behaviour experts.
They also pointed out that since kinky fetishes and BDSM are often considered a taboo topic, often some people initially tend to hide it from their partners and often try to either convince or force them into certain activities that might end up scarring them for their life. There’s the inner circle (usually of two partners) who have no issues with trying out fantasies and role play. There’s a middle circle where one partner might have some reservations. And then there’s the outer circle in which one partner might be totally averse to the requests and demands of the other.
“Each of these scenarios has to be dealt with in a specific manner. It is a must that the act should always be between consenting adults with adequate safety precautions and mutual respect to each other. There are chances of serious nerve damage and brain injury if techniques such as bondage and asphyxiation are carelessly performed. It could even result in loss of life,” says Dr Sandip Deshpande, consultant psychiatrist and sexologist, and co-founder of Happy Relationships, a sexual health and relationship wellness organisation.
According to Melik, the only woman who was initially part of the Official Kinky Bangalore group, it is always a bit more difficult for women to come out and attend these meetings. She also added that they also should be careful about their personal safety and should make it a point never to go out with strangers without meeting and interacting with them to ensure that they are ‘genuine’ kinksters.
Melik and Rahul claim the BDSM community and their relationships are also based on certain principles and vows like in the case of ‘normal’ couples. Once a partnership is established — especially in the domination and submission backdrop — they start with a personal oath, similar to wedding vows.
“It is basically lying down a set of guidelines that will be followed by the couple during the role play session. We also assign alternative names and vow to respect each other’s dignity and safety while performing these acts. The dominant one will also be called a ‘master’ and the submissive one a ‘bottom’ or ‘slave’ during the session,” Rahul added.
THE GEAR
Accessories play a major role in the kink world. Mirror was curious to know where the city’s community found its gear. Though there are many online portals selling BDSM accessories such as whips, handcuffs and other toys, BM tried to locate a store in the city where it could be bought in person and we were informed that basic gear such as ropes, collar, nipple clips (below left) and exclusive lingerie were available at a few garment stores. These items are called ‘bed accessories’ and are given to customers who come in with specific demands.
BM visited one such shop in JP Nagar 7th Phase and managed to purchase a BDSM gear for Rs 999. Here’s how it went:
I would like to see some innerwear.
Shop Girl: Sure. We have a good collection. For you?
It’s for my friend. I’m looking for lingerie, actually. One of those special ones…
We have a wide variety. Are you looking for a specific kind?
Someone told me you have some gear and special type of lingerie worn during BDSM…
You mean bed accessories? BDSM? What is that?
(Elderly salesman gets it. Takes this reporter to a corner)
Salesman: Here we have some pieces like this. If this is what you want? (Hands out a nipple clip, rope and collar kit). The nipple clips are for Rs 999, the rope set costs Rs 1,500, and the collar will come for Rs 2,229.
So, where do you get this stuff from?
We got this consignment from China. It is supplied through a distributor. It is only in demand among certain people who come to us with specific demands. There are only a few pieces left from this consignment; it came a couple of months ago and I’m not sure if we’ll receive another one soon.
Source: Did you know that Bengaluru has BDSM community? – Bangalore Mirror